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Postmodernize Writing Contest

We’ve only been up and running for a few months and, by any of the measures we’ve set, Postmodernize is turning out well – but it could be better.

You’ve seen nothing but stand-out brilliant writing from the thinkers on our editorial staff (and submissions that we found up to par) – but wait, what’s that you say? You don’t agree?

Here is your chance to show us how it’s done – and win some random loot* (sorry, nobody is going to pay you by the word to deconstruct things – you must have confused us with the ever-elusive illusion of tenure).

So, is it worth it?

Well, aside from the adulation of imaginary crowds, we’ve got a hoard of OPERATOR’S FIRE SALE JUNK – though, if you spray paint** it gold, maybe it can be your treasure:

Prize Pack:
Man vs. Man vs. Self

  • Book: The Tenant
  • Book: The Life of Insects
  • Comics: The Filth Anthology
  • DVD: American Beauty
  • DVD: Edmond
  • DVD: Pusher Trilogy
  • DVD: Requiem for a Dream
  • DVD: Donnie Darko Director’s Cut

Prize Pack:
World Domination (and Resulting Apocalypse)

  • Book: Cryptonomicon
  • Book: Hacking Exposed (5th edition)
  • Book: The History of Torture and Execution
  • Book: When Technology Fails
  • Book: US Army Field Manual: Survival
  • Comics: Johnny the Homocidal Maniac Anthology
  • Comics: Sinfest
  • DVD: They Live
  • DVD: Southland Tales
  • DVD: Millenium (all seasons)

Prize Pack:
Where We’ve Been and Where We’re Going

  • Book: Critical Path
  • Book: You Are Being Lied To
  • Comics: Get Your War On
  • DVD: Back to the Future Trilogy
  • DVD: Idiocracy
  • DVD: The Ice Storm (+ the novel)
  • DVD: The Seventh Seal
Books and DVD's to be awarded

How To Win It

You have to write something.

It’s hard – in fact, it may be the hardest thing you do today – but, if you’re reading this, you know how words work and can probably even u maek meaningful things with your brain-thoughts.***

Not sure what to write about? Re-read what you’ve seen posted at PoMo – or start with our new-and-improved About page (if you’re feeling particularly uncreative).

Once you’ve penned, typed, or otherwise realized your brain-thoughts, put them up for review – you can post them to your personal blog with a link back to postmodernize.com (sorry, you’re in it to win it and that means we have to be, too) and e-mail us at editors@postmodernize.com to let us know, or register for a Postmodernize account and use the brain-thoughtless-simple interface to submit your draft.

Rules and Regulations

All entries for consideration are due by March 23, 2013.

You can enter as many times as you want, but, as with the precious thing that is life, you can “win” only once.

There is no length requirement – just remember that we have to finish reading whatever you’ve written before we can award you and, unless you’re already established, this is not the place for your novel.

But what about your novella? Maybe.

If you plagiarize someone else, congratulations – you are probably a winner but you’re playing the wrong damn game… get back to your MBA or law coursework.

This is How It All Goes Down

We’ll have the winners picked by March 25, 2013.

We will contact the first two winning contestants in order of the entries we deem most compelling to present them with a choice of prize – third place will just have to live with whatever’s left.

We will need a shipping address for you – not necessarily your home address; third place may substitute for the address of an arch-nemesis, if need be.

If we cannot reach you by March 26, 2013 with the e-mail address used to contact us or register your PoMo account, you will miss out on your prize but you’ll still have the adulation of crowds (and maybe even some people that aren’t in your head).

Items will be shipped by the United States Postal Service from Operator’s TOP SECRET BASE(MENT DWELLING).

If you live in Ukraine or somewhere sketchy where the postman steals your mail, you might want to have your prize shipped to your work if you are unable to relocate or hire some local thugs to put the hurt on that sketchy bastard (whichever’s cheaper/less illegal where you happen to reside).

As with winning this contest, “prizes” will be shipped only once.

Legalese

CONTEST ENTRIES REMAIN YOUR PROPERTY: YOU GRANT US AUTHORIZATION TO PERPETUALLY LINK FROM OR PUBLISH AT POSTMODERNIZE UNDER A CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE. YOU HOLD POSTMODERNIZE FREE FROM ANY CIVIL LIABILITY, TO INCLUDE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS CAUSED BY WRITER’S BLOCK OR FAILURE TO WIN CRAPPY PRIZES. NOBODY READS THESE, WHICH IS WHY THEY NEED TO BE CAPITALIZED. YOU’RE PROBABLY JUST SKIMMING RIGHT NOW. THAT’S FINE. THIS TEXT DOESN’T NEED YOU TO READ IT TO VALIDATE ITS EXISTENCE. OKAY, MAYBE IT’S A LITTLE LONELY. THAT’S WHY IT SHOUTS, TAUNTING YOU TO IGNORE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THE THINGS IT SAYS WHILE IT, DEFENSELESS, STARES INTO THE VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.****

TL;DR? ASDFLKS;OMGWTFWJBBQQ

Write things. Post them or e-mail us to tell us about them by March 23, 2013 and we’ll write you back by March 25th, 2013 if you’ve won. Whoever wrote this announcement probably smokes more crack than Bill O’Reilly’s***** trousers, while he’s wearing them, after I’ve doused them in kerosene and set them on fire.

* Each prize pack will include surprises not listed here. Don’t like them? At least try to pawn them – or pass them on to someone less discriminating.

** Spray paint not included. Use only in well-ventilated areas – fumes may be harmful or even deadly.

*** OPERATOR ERR: THIS MALFUNCTION COED 0x0340833F WIT ALL DA ANEURYSMMZ

**** If anyone’s watching.

***** Substitute for “Obamatard” if you consider Bill O’Reilly to be anything more than a well-paid, well-trained, probably well-hung, and otherwise lucky actor.

Categories: Announcements.

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Comment Feed

14 Responses

  1. [Activate Mode:everything is about meeeee] this contest is obviously just a charade to get me to publish my graet stuff here!

    though i really do want to have that survival manual.

  2. Time to get that pot of coffee for that sleepless night Fabius.

  3. US Army Survival Manual FM 21-76

    THIS END FACES TARGET.

  4. I go on one little ancient Greek philosophy retreat and come back to this. Well, I trust the submissions will be virtuous, at least.

  5. Very interested in this! Seems like fun!

  6. mackytrajanMarch 13, 2013 @ 2:13 am

    Just in case anyone reading this is wondering if it’s worth it, or wondering if anyone’s going to be reading it at all.

    We’ve already received quite a few submissions. People are interested, people are reading them, and people will be reading the winner entries. Just a little incentive if you’re unsure whether it is worth it to write anything or not. (Even though writing in the first place was already worth it.)

  7. Look upon my fire sale hoard, ye mighty, and – should ye have writer’s block – despair.

    (Added picture of prize pile)

  8. What is that black bound notebook at the bottom left?

    I want it.

  9. That is a blank leather-bound notebook which was intended to be a surprise for one of our lucky contestants.

    If you want one of my thoroughly-trashed journals or Moleskines just send me your name, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, Social Security number/personnummer/whatever, and address for immediate delivery.

  10. I need blank notebooks more than I need alcohol. Eh, send me a bottle of rum while you’re at it :)

  11. scotch is fine too, Islay preferred.

Got insight?

Continuing the Discussion

  1. [...] movie scene for pages can even get their sh!t together enough to launch a website and organize contests with fabulous prizes!!! (keep the submissions** coming!) Dozens of people can figure out how to arrange themselves in a [...]